Fear Families Live With

Loving Someone Who Uses Drugs

Trigger Warning – This is no easy article. We are going to discuss themes that may mention overdose and death. This can be triggering for some readers. If you find this content upsetting, please STOP reading now. Know that there are resources available to help. You can take a break from reading or reach out for support. Skip right to the end of this article, where you will find a list of available support links.

Loving someone with a substance disorder is like riding the worst wreck of a roller coaster ride in the world, which never stops – until it does. Those last three words capture ALL the fear families dread. We white-knuckle through the highs, hearts pounding with a desperate hope they'll stay on track. However, always lurking beneath the fleeting joy is a shadow, a constant, gnawing fear that casts a chill over every missed call, every slurred word. It's the fear that's become a grim hallmark of the toxic drug crisis – the fear of a single misstep leading to a final, silent goodbye.

This fear – it's a living thing, a constant monstrous presence that coils around our hearts, squeezing the breath out of us. It whispers in the quiet moments, painting horrifying scenarios in our minds. We see them, our loved ones, lost in a haze, oblivious to the danger lurking in the shadows – fentanyl and its synthetic brethren, ready to steal them away in a single, undetectable breath.

Real talk now. All these fears we're dealing with?

They are absolutely valid. The drugs out there nowadays are no joke - it's a flat-out deadly game with the lives of people we love on the line. The stakes seriously couldn't be any higher.

Here's the hard truth about the fear that fills our every waking moment: As natural and human as that gut-wrenching worry is, it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy if we let it devour us. Fear has a way of paralyzing us, making us retreat into our own little shell of constant angst and dread. When we're frozen up like that, so dysfunctional from the weight of it all, it becomes a vicious cycle. We're terrified for them, but that terror ends up crippling us, not only because we pull away from them, but also because it robs us of any decent quality of life and happiness.

We have to fight against letting fear win out like that. Easier said than done, I know, but we can't let the worries and worst-case scenarios that play over and over in our minds take us fully hostage. We will take a look at some ways we can manage fear. Practical tips you can use to manage your worry, but before we do, let's dive down into some of our worst nightmares. You are NOT alone in your fears - believe me.

Here are just a few of them that drive us nuts with worry:

1.    The Unknown Road: One of the scariest parts about this whole mess is not knowing what the future holds. It's like you're driving down this rainy, dark, twisty road, with no headlights, no windshield wipers, and absolutely no idea where the next bend is, never mind what's around it. Will they finally beat this thing or relapse again? That constant uncertainty just eats away at us.

2.    Fearing the Worst: And let's be real, we're all terrified of getting that dreaded call in the middle of the night. When your mind starts playing out those worst-case scenarios of an overdose or them putting themselves in harm's way because of their need to source substances - that fear for their safety is crippling. It makes sleep impossible.

3.    Wishing for the Worst: As messed up as it sounds, when you're drowning in fear and worry for so long, you almost start wishing for the worst just so the emotional torture stops. It's like a sick form of wanting closure or an end to the nightmare, even if that means losing them forever. Those dark thoughts creep in against your will, and then you're immediately slammed with shame and guilt over even having them cross your mind. It's a vicious cycle of fear manifesting disturbing thoughts that just breed more fear. The whole mess turns us into a person we don’t even recognize anymore. The mental anguish is merciless and unrelenting. You know those thoughts aren't really you, but damn if they don't make you feel like a monster sometimes. It's an isolation and heaviness that's hard to put into words for anyone who hasn't been there.

4.    Enabler's Guilt: Then you have the mind games of wondering if you're accidentally making things worse by trying to help. Are you enabling destructive behaviors without meaning to? That fear of being part of the problem instead of the solution just piles on more stress and guilt. It's a damn minefield.

5.    Stigma's Shadows: Let's be honest, there's still so much messed up stigma around addiction that follows them and us, their family. You can't help but worry about people judging your loved one or even your whole family because of their struggle. That fear of being looked down on just builds more walls when you could use support. Frankly, when we do talk to friends, often we see that “look” on their faces or they offer that hated advice that we should use “tough love” or we have to let them reach “bottom”. The bottom is death, which is exactly our biggest fear.

6.    Emotional Exhaustion: Then there is the fear of your own mental and emotional state through all this chaos. It's an endless emotional rollercoaster of hope, heartbreak, anger, you name it. Fearing that it'll eventually just drain us completely of any positive quality of life. This whole thing takes such a massive toll.

So, how do we break free from the clutches of fear? The first step is understanding. We need to arm ourselves with knowledge, to shed light on the darkness that fuels fear. Researching addiction, the toxic drug crisis and available treatment options becomes our weapon. The more we know, the less power fear has over us.

Next, we find our tribe. We seek out others who understand the unique rollercoaster we're on – support groups like Moms Stop The Harm - Holding Hope, Al-Anon, or Nar-Anon. Find the support group that works for you! Sharing our experiences with these warriors, forged in the crucible of similar battles, can be incredibly cathartic. We will realize we're not alone in this fight, that there's a whole army standing beside us. So, don't go it alone. Trying to "tough it out" as a family dealing with addiction only feeds isolation and fear. Seek out support groups, counseling, or family therapy to get tools for coping. Sharing with others who "get it" can lift that weight of fear off your shoulders.

Knowledge and support might not be enough. We might also have to set some boundaries, a necessary act of love. Not so much for them, but for us as well. Everybody’s boundaries will be different. Picture boundaries as life rafts. You cling to them, even when the waves threaten to engulf you. Say no when needed. Protect your sanity. You’re not Atlas; the world doesn’t rest on your shoulders. Only you can decide what you are willing to tolerate. Boundaries are more about your sanity than thinking you might be shielding them from the consequences of their substance use. Setting clear lines doesn’t mean you’re giving up on them. It also doesn’t mean you have to disconnect from them. However, for your own health, you may need to distance yourself. Don’t be guilted by anyone because of the choices you need around boundaries to protect you.

Have a safety plan in place too. As cruel as it sounds, substance abuse can sometimes make a loved one's behavior hostile or unsafe when under the influence. Don't put yourself in harm's way - have an exit plan and safe place if the fear of danger ever becomes real.

Most importantly, don't succumb to hopelessness. People overcome even the darkest, most terrifying addictions through determination and proper treatment. Stay hopeful, even when it's hard, Be real though in your expectations. Relapse is expected. Don’t despair when it happens. Like the darkest hour before dawn, relapse will pass too.

Remember, the person we love is still there, buried beneath the layers of addiction. They haven't vanished; they're simply lost in the fog. Recovery is possible, a beacon of hope in this otherwise bleak landscape. Countless stories exist of people who've clawed their way back from the brink. We hold onto these stories, and celebrate every small victory on their road to healing, because progress, not perfection, is what matters. With breath there is hope. Hope is the weapon that fights fear.

Now, let’s explore some ideas on hope.

Techniques to Cultivate Hope: Planting Seeds of Optimism

Hope is a powerful emotion that fuels resilience and motivates us to strive for a better future. When life dumps us into the dark hole of loving someone with addictions, nurturing hope becomes crucial. Here are some techniques to help you cultivate hope, even in the most challenging times:

Goal Setting and Visualization:

·         Chart a Course: Define clear, achievable goals. This gives you a sense of direction and purpose, fighting feelings of helplessness. Write down your goals, break them down into smaller steps, and celebrate each milestone achieved. This isn’t about their progress. This is about YOU. A goal for you might be, - I will start reading a book. I will read one chapter a week

·         See it to Believe It: Engage in visualization. Close your eyes and imagine yourself achieving your goals. Reading that book and picture the emotions you'll feel, the joy of your love of reading, the obstacles you've overcome, and the positive changes in your life. Visualization strengthens your belief in your ability to succeed.

Finding Inspiration and Gratitude:

·         Seek Inspiration: Surround yourself with positive influences. Read stories of people overcoming adversity, watch uplifting movies, or listen to inspiring music. These can spark hope and remind you that people overcome challenges all the time.

·         Practice Gratitude: Take time each day to appreciate the good things in your life, big or small. Gratitude fosters a sense of contentment and optimism, reminding you that there's still beauty and joy to be found. Start a gratitude journal. Don’t worry about the blank pages. The more you look for things to be grateful for, the more your pages will fill.

Focusing on Progress, Not Perfection:

·         Celebrate Small Wins: The road to achieving goals is rarely never linear. There will be setbacks and detours. Don't dwell on mistakes; learn from them and celebrate every step forward, no matter how small.

·         Reframe Challenges: View challenges as opportunities for growth. Difficult situations can build strength and resilience, leading you to a better place.

Taking Care of Yourself:

·         Prioritize Self-Care: You can't pour from an empty cup. Make time for activities that nourish your mind, body, and spirit. This can include exercise, healthy eating, meditation, or spending time in nature. Taking care of yourself builds emotional reserves, allowing you to navigate challenges with a more hopeful perspective.

Think of hope as a muscle that needs to be exercised. By including these methods in your daily life, you can cultivate a sense of optimism and empower yourself to create a brighter future, even amidst challenges.

In closing, we can't let fear have the final say. As long as there's breath, there's hope - and we have to cling to that hope. This journey is the hardest we’ll probably ever face. That’s why we have to arm ourselves with knowledge, build our tribe of support warriors, and guard our own sanity with boundaries when needed. Frankly, the road ahead will be as bad as a road can get, but every step forward counts as progress. Dig deep, feel all those fear-fueled emotions, then divert that energy into cultivating hope - for them, and most importantly for you. You've got this. We're all in this battle together, an army of loving families. Reach out for help whenever you need to, and keep putting one foot in front of the other. On many days, fear may loom larger than you ever felt you could deal with, but hope is one hell of a force too, especially when we have a plan to nurture it.

Author: Ron Merk – Ron lives with fear too - for family members with concurrent disorders. He advocates for people with substance or mental health challenges.

Canadian Support Resources:

·         Holding Hope Support Groups, an initiative of Moms Stop The Harm. https://www.holdinghopecanada.org/

·         Canada.ca - Get help with substance use: This webpage offers a variety of resources for Canadians struggling with substance use, including information on treatment options, helplines, and support groups. You can find contact information for services like Kids Help Phone and resources specifically designed to help families. (https://www.canada.ca/en/health-canada/services/substance-use/get-help-with-substance-use.html)

·         Families for Addiction Recovery (FAR): This national charity provides peer support services for families and caregivers of those struggling with addiction. They offer a toll-free helpline, online parent support groups, and educational resources. (1-855-377-6677) (https://www.farcanada.org/)

·         Canadian Centre on Substance Use and Addiction (CCSA): This government organization provides evidence-based information and resources on substance use and addiction. Their website includes information on different substances, treatment approaches, and harm-reduction strategies. (https://www.ccsa.ca/)

·         Canadian Mental Health Association (CMHA): Many provincial chapters of the CMHA offer support groups and resources for families dealing with addiction. You can find contact information for your local chapter on the CMHA national website. (https://cmha.ca/)

USA Support Services:

·         The National Institute on Drug Abuse: 1-800-662-HELP (4357) (https://www.nih.gov/about-nih/what-we-do/nih-almanac/national-institute-drug-abuse-nida)

·         The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration: 1-800-662-HELP (4357) (https://www.samhsa.gov/)

·         The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255) (https://988lifeline.org/)