Navigating Boundaries & Enablement for Families

Helpful Family Strategies 

Today's Learning Moment 01-30-23 – Navigating Boundaries & Enablement for Families

Written by and for people with Lived Experience - Port Alberni Community Action Team - Families Helping Families

Let’s explore boundaries and enablement together. When you have a family member suffering from concurrent disorders, you need to be at the top of your game when it comes to both of these concepts.

Let’s take a deeper dive into these.

Concurrent disorders (both mental health and substance disorders) cover a wide spectrum of mental health conditions. Families affected by these conditions will experience heightened stress and anxiety, as well as interpersonal problems, financial difficulties, and even physical violence. A sense of safety and stability can be created in families with a loved one who is struggling with concurrent disorders. It isn’t easy. Often it may seem impossible until the person with concurrent disorders is ready. However, setting healthy boundaries can begin the process and assist family members to deal with the stress of those suffering from these disorders.

The Benefits of Setting Boundaries

As we’ve already mentioned. establishing healthy boundaries can create a sense of safety and stability, as well as a sense of predictability. Setting boundaries can especially help family members cope with the stress of substance disorders by providing clear expectations for how to interact with the individual, as well as guidelines for how to handle difficult situations. Establishing boundaries can also help protect family members from enabling the individual by providing a clear set of expectations that are enforced when not met. Enforcing is the greatest challenge – what will you be willing to enforce? Never set a boundary if you haven’t thought through what the consequences will be for everyone if it’s broken.

Strategies for Establishing Boundaries

Families should establish clear expectations for how to interact, such as rules about substance use or rules about contact with other people. Once expectations are established, it is important to allow consequences to occur when they are not met. This will help reinforce the importance of following the rules and will help the individual understand that their behaviour has consequences. Families should also set limits on the amount of time and money spent supporting the individual. This will help ensure that the person is held accountable for their actions and will help protect family members from becoming too involved in their loved one’s disorders. There is a fine line between completely disconnecting from them versus being too involved. Find the middle ground where ever possible.

The Challenges of Establishing Boundaries

It can be difficult for families to set boundaries due to feelings of guilt or fear of damaging the relationship. Of course, the very biggest fear of all is that if we don’t help enough or abandon them, we may lose them through overdose or suicide.

Remember that setting boundaries does not mean that you do not love or care for them; rather, it is a way to protect yourself and your family from the negative impacts of concurrent disorders. It can also be difficult to set limits on a loved one, especially if they are resistant or uncooperative. You want to try to maintain a firm but compassionate stance when setting boundaries, as this will help ensure that they understand your expectations and respect them.

Finally, some families may be afraid that setting boundaries will damage their relationship with their loved one. However, it is important to remember that setting boundaries can actually help strengthen relationships as it creates an environment of trust and respect.

A Quick List of Boundaries To Get You Started

·         Set clear expectations for conversations. Respect and kindness are the first non-negotiable requirement.

·         Have a stop strategy for conversations that dissolve into confrontation and aggression. Agreement ahead of time on how to stop and regroup is crucial.

·         Establishing clear boundaries and consequences for substance use.

·         Set limits on financial and emotional support.

·         Prioritizing the safety and well-being of other family members.

·         Set boundaries around enabling behaviour. – this is a complex one because often we don’t recognize enabling behaviour in ourselves.

·         Set boundaries around communication and interactions with them when they are in active substance use.

·         Seek professional help for your loved one and yourself.

·         Don’t accept or tolerate verbal or physical abuse from your loved one. (ALL relationships are through kindness and respect)

·         Be willing to detach with love, if necessary, for your own well-being.

·         Be patient and understanding of their condition and its effects on their behaviour and decisions.

·         Educate yourself about their disorders, including their causes, symptoms, and treatment options.

·         Respect their autonomy and encourage them to take responsibility for their own mental health and substance disorders.

·         Encourage them to keep their follow-up appointments and take their medication as prescribed.

·         Time and patience are your greatest allies. Use them abundantly.

Figuring Out If You’re Enabling

You’ve read several times in the article the word enablement. It’s the other challenge when we consider boundaries. Often families completely disconnect or their behaviour is completely enabling. Enablement is the extreme other ends of disconnection. Always, we’re striving for the middle ground.

Enabling refers to your actions when you help or support another person's unhealthy or destructive behaviour, whether it's related to substance use or mental health disorders. Enabling can prolong their suffering and delay their recovery. Let’s say that again – when we cross the line and move into enabling, we make them suffer more and delay their healing journey.

Examples of Enabling Behaviour:

·         Making excuses or covering up for their behaviour: For example, calling in sick to work for them or lying to others about their behaviour.

·         Bailing them out of legal or financial problems: For example, paying their fines or debts.

·         Ignoring or minimizing their behaviour: For example, pretending everything is okay when it's not.

·         Taking care of responsibilities for the loved one: For example, doing their laundry or cooking for them.

·         Giving them money or other resources without conditions: For example, giving them money for drugs or alcohol.

·         Protecting them from the natural consequences of their behaviour: For example, paying for a hotel room for them to avoid them sleeping on the street.

·         Making decisions for them: For example, deciding where they should live or what they should do.

·         Blaming others for their problems: For example, blaming their job, friends, or family for their substance abuse or mental health disorder.

We know that enabling behaviour can come from a place of love and concern, but it can ultimately be detrimental to them and the family. It can be hard to stop enabling, but stopping enabling is an important step in helping the loved one take responsibility for their own behaviour and seek help.

Conclusion

Boundaries and not enabling are an important part of managing a loved one’s concurrent disorders, as they provide clarity and structure for both family members and the person affected by concurrent disorders. Families should not be afraid to reach out for support, either through professional resources or support groups. There are many resources available for families struggling with substance disorders, including local support groups, treatment centres, and online resources. Setting boundaries and understanding enabling can be difficult but ultimately beneficial for your family. By establishing clear expectations and allowing consequences to occur when they are not met, families can create an environment where everyone feels safe and supported and everyone knows what is expected.

Author: Ron Merk  – Ron is a person with family-lived experience. He advocates for people with substance or mental illness. (This article was written with the help of AI -accessing the combined knowledge of humanity)

Note: We may use words or phrases in our articles that are not first person, or the latest best-in-practice language. Sometimes we will use older, non-informed jargon. to clarify and inform people who are learning the new non-stigmatizing language. (linking old language usage to new terms) You can tell when you run into these old or non-inclusive words or phrases. They will be in quotation marks - eg old word “addiction” – When we introduce new inclusive language, words or phrases, they will be in Parenthesis - eg (people with substance disorders).

Families Helping Families is an initiative of the Port Alberni Community Action Team. We regularly send out "Learning Moment" articles to help folks understand substance illness. Knowledge is vital in understanding the disorder of our family members. You may copy, distribute or share our articles as long as you retain the attribution. Add yourself to our distribution list by dropping us a note at - albernihelp@gmail.com