We Weren't Lying When We Said It!

Angel - Demon

Written by and for people with Lived Experience - Port Alberni Community Action Team - Families Helping Families

Today's Learning Moment – 02 07 22 Issue: We Weren't Lying When We Said It!

So many people who struggle with substance use disorder are seen as liars and betrayers. In the moment, we tell you the truth from our hearts and in the very next moment, we do precisely the opposite. Because of this, our families lose trust in us. Sometimes we lose our connection with those we need to connect with the most. Yet, that connection is often the last thread that holds us from spirally into the likely oblivion of permanent addiction.

I did not lie when I promised you the first time or the 50^th time. However, I definitely get the loss of hope that my family experienced way before the 50^th time. It's hard to believe another promise. However, the cycle of promises and failures is a significant part of the horrible nature of substance disorder.

I am one of those people who had been viewed as a liar and had been accused of betraying my loved ones for not following through with endless and heartfelt legitimate promises to quit my substance of choice. I meant those promises – with all my heart. Believe it or not. I desperately wanted those promises to be real and true. I could not dream of betraying my loved ones. Yet that's what seemed to happen in everyone's eyes, including mine. How could I be a good person if I kept breaking these promises? I did not understand what was happening to me.

It happened that way because I had created the perfect storm, unknowingly, for substance dependency and addiction. I learned very early in my life that substances helped me cope with certain very unpleasant events and feelings that had occurred in my life. Events that my parents were not aware of, nor was I willing to expose those events to them. Certain betrayals and harms were beyond my comprehension and ability to deal with at the time.

I learned that substances helped me feel better whenever I thought about certain things. I could forget or even not feel pain, anguish, betrayal, abandonment. I learned this through social engagement at parties and with certain friends (not the wrong crowd but those who were struggling with similar issues as me). Parents, pay attention to that last statement! I learned that substances could connect me with those who shared the same shitty lives as I had experienced.

I eventually learned to use substances to cope with these issues even while I was alone.

I learned this through a family that did not know how to cope with the struggles of mental health and substance use, and other addictive coping behaviours. I am not blaming them or relinquishing my responsibility. Instead, I am identifying that they truly did not know and reacted to their own beliefs – not the reality of my situation.

I am stating a much avoided and ignored fact. Families do the very best they can with what they know. The problem is we know shit about substance use and mental health and are just beginning to open that book. All we know is what we were told way back. Most of that was based on judgement, misplaced morality, and ignorance.

We were exposed to one or two success stories from self-help groups, not realizing there were so many other options that we were yet to learn. Everything we were told affected our family and social accountability in the issues around substance use. Much of the knowledge at the time counselled us to separate ourselves from those who could not manage and those who (could?). We were shown anything that would place the sole responsibility on the person suffering and not on the rest of society and social problems at the root of much of our distress.

So substances became a coping tool. They replaced any healthy coping patterns because, honestly, no one in my life had healthy coping patterns. And yet so many were accepted as "normal" people – drinking – smoking – using other drugs and sex, work and gambling and ….  I was brought up as most of us have. In a culture of "take this, you'll feel better". "Don't talk, Don't trust, Don't Feel". And indeed, it was true. It worked for me for decades.

Yet here we were/are, suffering from unrecognized depression, anxiety, sense of disconnection, isolation and dislocation. Yet we blame the drugs. "You have to address the substance use before anything else". What a load of avoidance and bullshit!!. We know better now. What has to get addressed is the reasons for wanting to forget. The need to stop the pain by using drugs.

The reasons for substance use often begin with trauma, dislocation and isolation, misogyny, poverty, racism, homophobia, culture, religion - anything that divides us as people. Separate the "addicts" from the healthy people and those who are law-abiding. They are the problem, not the symptom – Really?

I am not trying to avoid accountability and responsibility here. Though it may sound that way to some. I am trying to expose the reality of the desire and desperation that we have when caught in the throes of substance use dependency. Every person who has experienced this debilitating illness ( for lack of better words) has described a type of dual personality – one evil, one good. I have not known anyone seeking help to explain it otherwise. Nor have I witnessed anyone avoiding help that maliciously wanted to destroy their relationships.

This brings me back to those promises. My peers and I who use substances are driven by internal systems adapted to a dysfunctional world. It's the only way we cope. In the moment, I meant those promises with all my heart. Then the pain took over. My brain screamed to take it away, and I retook drugs. Even in my most profound drug-induced stupor, the guilt was overwhelming. I know I hurt you again, that you have no faith in me and that I have again broken trust with you.

I get that our relationship can't be what it once was, and I understand even that you might need distance from me. But, in all of this mess, I desperately hope that we can maintain that slenderest of connection thread. There is the possibility of healing the pain that drives my substance use. There is the possibility of dealing with my physical addiction and reconnecting fully with the people I love. I am eternally grateful that the present is now about the power of choice and freedom for me and rebuilding that trust as I continue this journey of recovery and life. I must always be wary, though. Good, bad, right, or wrong, I have to ask you to help me stay that way and be there if I stumble because I do love you.

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Author: Ben Goerner – Ben is a retired counselor and advocates for people with substance and mental illness 

Families Helping Families is an initiative of the Port Alberni Community Action Team. We regularly send out "Learning Moment" articles to help folks understand substance illness. Knowledge is vital in understanding the disorder of our family members. You may copy, distribute or share our articles as long as you retain the attribution. Add yourself to our distribution list by dropping us a note at - albernihelp@gmail.com