He Didn’t Choose This

I Was Once Like You

Written by and for people with Lived Experience - Port Alberni Community Action Team - Families Helping Families

Today’s Learning Moment – 08 09 21 Issue: He Didn’t Choose This

A composite of many stories from the street

Funny how life turns out. I’ve got a childhood friend whose life is as different to mine as day as to night. We still talk often, although his life makes connecting difficult. He has a substance disorder. That’s a fancy way of saying addiction. On top of that, he also has schizophrenia, a mental health illness.

Sometimes I wonder what put him where he is and me where I am. Seems so random and unfair. It’s not like he’s a horrible person. If anything, he’s one of the gentlest souls I’ve ever met, although his world is slowly beating that out of him. Frankly, I’ve often felt that there’s isn’t much that separates our lives. A couple of unlucky life events and I could be exactly where he is.

In his case, he was repeatedly sexually abused as a kid by an older cousin. On top of that, his mom suffered from an alcohol disorder. Whether it was a cause or effect the result for him was that she mentally and physically abused him throughout his early childhood. At thirteen he ran away. After that, there was a succession of foster homes. By then the damage was done. He has never been the same since.

The difference in our lives is huge. He’s homeless. He can’t hold down a job and most of his family has now disowned him. Everything he owns is in a grocery cart that he pushes as he wanders the streets.

We have an agreement. I go looking for him every Saturday morning. Often he’s not easy to find, however when we do run into each other, I’ll buy him coffee and a meal. We’ll sit and talk. Sometimes about the good times when we were kids. Sometimes he’ll open up and talk about the painful times, but mostly he’ll tell me how life is on the streets.

People hate him. He’s told me that he’s been spit on, sworn at, kicked and beaten. Not long ago someone tried to run him over. He’s even been sprayed with bear spray. He doesn’t sleep at night, because that’s the most unsafe time. During the day, he’ll try and grab what sleep he can, but often people scream at him to move on. No one wants someone sleeping anywhere near their property.

I can’t help thinking his life would be so much better if he could stop using drugs. We’ve talked about that and he has told me he wishes he’d never started. That it’s the worst thing to ever happen to him. In the same breath, he also says it’s the only thing that takes away the pain. I’ve asked, “What pain?” His reply is always, “The memories!” He’ll do anything to forget the memories of the trauma in his early life.

At times I wish he had a broken leg. You can see the damage, understand the pain and you know over time it will heal. I’ve come to realize that the pain his mind is dealing with is by far worse than any broken bone could ever be. It’s also never-ending. The only respite he gets is when the drugs he uses erase his thoughts for short moments.

Of course, now that he’s been using substances for so long, he now has physical dependencies. I’ve seen him when the dope sickness comes on. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.

Surprisingly he’s come to terms with most of his life. He accepts his substance needs. He knows his thinking isn’t the same as most people (mental illness). He knows he can’t live in rooms with four walls nor does the traditional channels of health care work for him. He accepts that people that were supposed to love him are for the most part the root cause of his troubles. All of this he accepts with a surprising amount of grace.

What is the hardest for him to accept is the day to day vileness of the way people treat him. The judgement and hatred that comes his way just because he exists.

I asked him recently if there was something I could do. He told me to tell his story. He felt that even if only one or two people could understand, it would make life easier for him. He just wants people to know that he is human too. He’s not asking for anything other than to just live without adding more pain to the trauma he already lives with every single minute of every day.

So I’ve told his story here. In doing so, hopefully, I’ve done justice to it. That in some way, as you read this you’re reassessing your beliefs of people with substance and mental health challenges. More importantly that it changes the way you interact with them. I think my grandmother said it best. “Treat others as you want to be treated, no matter who or what their problems.” She was a smart woman.

We’re all mostly be accident lucky that we’re not living my friend’s life. If there is one thing I know for a certainty, He didn’t choose this.

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Author: Ron Merk— Ron advocates for people with substance illness or mental illness.

Families Helping Families is an initiative of the Port Alberni Community Action Team. We send out “Learning Moment” articles regularly to help folks understand substance illness. Knowledge is vital in understanding the illness of our family members. You may copy, distribute or share our articles as long as you retain the attribution. You can be added to our distribution list by dropping us a note at - albernihelp@gmail.com

This article is an opinion piece. What is an opinion piece you ask? Opinion pieces rely on the personal views of the author. In the case of Learning Moment opinion piece articles, they are the result of Lived Experience.

How do opinion pieces differ from the majority of Learning Moment articles? Most Learning Moment articles will include references to legitimate evidence-based research that backs up the content of the article. You’ll know the difference because a researched article will include reference links at the end of the article.