Shaming and Guilt
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| Shaming |
Written by and for people with Lived Experience - Port
Alberni Community Action Team - Families Helping Families
Today’s Learning Moment – 04 05 21 Issue: Shaming and Guilt
A time-honoured tradition in lots of families, either for our selves or to foster
onto others is using shaming or guilt. We do this in an attempt to get them or
ourselves to stop doing behaviours that we don’t like.
Yes, guilt and shame are natural responses to a mistake or whatever. Unless of course, we are on the
higher end of antisocial disorder. I guess what I have seen over and over again
in therapy is people "living" in their guilt and shame. They beat themselves up constantly
and endlessly out of guilt and shame and get trapped in that vicious cycle.
It is not useful as a tool to wield against others. It is counterproductive in that context and will not motivate people. As I have said, the person is already feeling overwhelming guilt and shame. We tend to try and rub their noses in it thinking we're helping. But it is not helping. It is damaging. So what to do?
Shame and guilt statements look like this — "you should be ashamed", or "you wouldn't do that if you loved me....".
Or I can say "well, it sounds like you feel like you F'd up, what do you think you should do about that" or "how do you think you can try to make that right". By offering a solution while still holding accountable and the dignity of self-empowerment and choice.
The first two statements are typically an attempt to force change in others through guilt and shame and are almost always a typically unsuccessful motivator. Remember we really can't change others no matter how concerned or fearful we are. The last two statements are non-judgemental and solution-oriented while resting the responsibility and accountability on the other person; Much more motivating and empowering for the person and therefore more effective in inviting change.
Guilt and shame have been used as tools in traditional treatment models for substance use. There are admittedly some who respond to this. But again, in therapy, I have seen the resulting guilt and shame eat away at people as they believe they are supposed to feel that way all the time in order not to use again. And the only thing that eases that guilt for them is abstinence. They seem to think by feeling guilty, they are taking responsibility and being accountable. As I said, they may well be taking responsibility in many areas of their life, but they are taking the guilt and shame with them while it slowly erodes self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-image. Again, these are among the top triggers of relapsing into maladaptive coping.
To me, this has been very damaging to people in general and keeps them stuck at a certain stage of "recovery" and keeps their options quite limited. In effect, they stigmatize themselves and therefore anyone else who is not abstinent and/or in a particular program. This makes stigma worse from a recovery point of view rather than exploring moving beyond recovery into seeing life as thriving and full of many more options.
Yet here we are, a society that either consciously or subconsciously defaults to "guilt and shame being equal to responsibility and accountability". They may precede the latter but are not equal to.
That's my reallllyyyy long way of saying, a person can be accountable and responsible without living in guilt and shame. We also can interact with them, holding them responsible and accountable without loading guilt and shame onto them.
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Author: Ben Goerner— Ben is a retired BSW MHSU Clinician. He advocates for people with substance or mental illness.
Families Helping Families is an initiative of the Port Alberni Community Action Team. We send out “Learning Moment” articles regularly to help folks understand substance illness. Knowledge is vital in understanding the illness of our family members. You may copy, distribute or share our articles as long as you retain the attribution. You can be added to our distribution list by dropping us a note at - albernihelp@gmail.com
This article was written using info from the following sources:
References
(1) From Guilt to Responsibility - https://exploringyourmind.com/from-guilt-to-responsibility/
(2) Guilt, shame, and depression in clients in recovery from addiction
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/8811581/
(3) Responsibility without Blame for Addiction https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s12152-016-9295-2
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