The Bottomless Well

The Bottomless Well

Written by and for people with Lived Experience - Port Alberni Community Action Team - Families Helping Families

Today’s Learning Moment – 11 30 20 Issue: The Bottomless Well

My wife and I were talking the other day about the journey we’ve travelled with the person in our family who suffers from mental and substance illness. It’s been a long and very difficult journey that now extends across decades. We’ve experienced moments of hope and incredible lows along the way. Sadly the lows seem to be far more prevalent than any of the positive moments. The learnings we’ve experienced along the way tells us that the “low” moments are the norm. Not something anyone wants to hear, but it’s a necessary understanding for anyone who is just beginning this process with someone they love who is suffering from mental or substance illness.

In our conversation, we got to talking about some of the behaviours of our family member that we’ve experienced along the way. We know and acknowledge that many of these behaviours are driven by their illnesses. Often these actions are very negative, especially when put into context with what would be normally tolerated in healthy families.

Part of their conduct we discussed was the constant and endless demands for money, assets, attention and time. These needs take the form of, “I need twenty dollars” to “Drive me to my friends' house” Too often they’re in the form of commands or ultimatums – not requests.

The endless and relentless demands become so tiresome that you’ll find yourself dreading any interaction with them. When they wake and you hear them in their room moving around, your heart will start to pound and you can actually feel the anxiety rising inside your body. You know the cycle is going to begin again.

This is what we call the “Bottomless Well”. Certainly, it what “they” seem to believe and expect. That you have an endless supply of money and energy to provide for their needs. Intellectually we get it. Their illness, especially the substance illness drives them to use up everything around them, regardless of the consequences. It’s like a black hole in the universe sucking in every bit of light around it.

If they could, they would drink from the well using a firehose wide open.

As a family who loves them, we keep giving. We give for a wide variety of reason, that includes feelings of guilt, hope that providing them with their demands will open a window where we can talk with them, and often just because it’s easier to give in than to go through the inevitable argument when they don’t get their way. Those reasons are on us and we recognize that we play a significant part in how this plays out every day.

Substance illness itself also plays a huge role. The disease drives the behaviour of the person in its grip in such horrible and selfish ways. Most of the time people easily see the self-destructive behaviours of people with substance illness. The “do anything” behaviour to get their next dose. People sell their bodies, people will steal, people will lie and cheat. What’s hidden except to their families is what goes on constantly between the ill person and their family behind closed doors.

They take with a hideous voracious appetite. I’m talking about the diseases who have the human person we love in their clutches. Substance/mental illness is every bit as horrendous as Cancer or Heart disease. An even better analogy of these diseases is that they are like Leprosy and how it was viewed by people in history. Society banished people with Leprosy just as it does today with substance/mental ill people and often all of us who love them.

Part of our knowledge journey was to learn to separate the person from the behaviours compelled by their diseases. Then to control our response to their demands driven by their conduct. This is when we began to see ourselves as “wells” from which their behaviours feed.

The bottomless well is made up of so many things. Certainly money, resources and time, but it also has love and hope in it. Like all wells, even our bottomless wells have a fixed capacity. Just like real wells, the more your draw from the well, the harder it is for the well to recover and refill.

More importantly, there is something that is completely destructive to us and our families. The more and faster the well gives, the more the well is refilled by something entirely different. All the hope, love and resources are replaced by a horrible, muddy and putrid thing called resentment. Resentment is the seeds of disconnection and family destruction.

Believe me, I’m not saying that you won’t need to have space between yourself, and your family member. We certainly had to do that in our family. We reached a point where it was no longer possible for our family member to live with us. Those choices are entirely possible and you’ll probably have to face difficult choices like this at some point in your journey.

The real point here is to maintain “connection” because having that open door between you and them allows them to reach out when they finally choose to start the healing journey. Connection is the balm that soothes emotional and physical trauma. That means it’s crucial to guard how much is taken from your well. We’ve learned to “budget” our well. Does it work all the time? Absolutely not! However, it does work enough that it limits refilling our well with resentment.

How does it work? We actually have to consciously budget money we give and we also budget all the other resources, including our response to demands. In money, we set aside a fixed amount that we won’t exceed in a given month. It gets doled out in small quantities throughout the month when the demands come in. We’ve learned that certain times of the month are more important than other times. For example, when we know their disability payment happens, we support requests less. In the later parts of the month, when we know all their money sources are gone, we give a bit more.

If you’re wondering how we plan our response to demands, it has to do with time. We’ve learned to let time go by before we respond to demands. It’s amazing how many times their request will resolve itself when you wait a day or so before answering.

We had to also distance ourselves from their sphere of influence. That hurt most of all and still does every single day. However, for us, it was necessary because the behaviours had become so draining they were impacting our health in such a way that our Family Physician was warning us that our lives were at stake. That’s how bad draining your well can become.

You must learn to protect your well. For their sake, but also for your health, sanity and peace of mind. Above all, so that you retain some connection. Connection counters the effects of emotional and physical trauma which can often be the root cause of their disease. It is the environment that promotes the chance for healing to begin.

Above all, if there is one thing you take from this article, it would be that your journey with them will be anything but smooth. There is no right way. Possibly in our experience, you’ll gain insight, but our journey will not be your path. Be flexible, don’t be afraid to change your decisions and try another option, talk often with your significant family members. Above all, be kind to yourself. Self-guilt is just as destructive as the illness your family member is struggling with.  

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Author: Ron Merk
Ron is a person with lived experience. He advocates for families and people suffering from mental health and substance illness.

Families Helping Families is an initiative of the Port Alberni Community Action Team. We send out “Learning Moment” articles regularly to help folks understand substance illness. Knowledge is vital in understanding the illness of our family members. You may copy, distribute or share our articles as long as you retain the attribution. You can be added to our distribution list by dropping us a note to - albernihelp@gmail.com