Having “THAT” Talk – Preventing Overdose Deaths in Your Family

Written by and for people with Lived Experience

Today’s Learning Moment – 10 12 20 Issue:

Having “THAT” Talk – Preventing Overdose Deaths in Your Family:

When I started writing this article, I thought it would be so easy. All I wanted to do was explain how important it is to sit down with your loved ones and have a real, honest and forthright conversation about how dangerous ALL street drugs can be. All I wanted to do is describe a talk you could have with them to protect them from overdoses that could lead to their death.

Seems incredibly simple. However, each time I started, I would get bogged in the missteps of family dynamics, communication problems and disconnection most of us experience when we first discover a family member has substance illness. How do you explain nicely… that the way we act and come across when we talk to them can be the reason they withdraw or won’t talk to us?

I mean, all we want is for them to be safe! We have their best interests at heart because we love them. It doesn’t matter if it’s your spouse, a grown or underage child or someone in our extended family. We want – we need to protect them!

Imagine at this spot in this article about twenty paragraphs on dysfunctional family communication dynamics. I wrote those paragraphs about five times and then took it all out. Not that it isn’t important, but because it dilutes the real intention of this message which we’ll get to in a minute.

I will say this on communicating. We’re all pretty much broken in one form or another. For most of us, the wrong strategies of how we communicate can and will drive a wedge between us and them. Partly because when we take on the “parenting” voice, they turn off listening to us. I get why we go there. We’re angry and frustrated by their choices. Why wouldn’t we be? After all, they were the ones that decided to use a substance that to us seems incredibly stupid and destructive. Inside that parenting style are the seeds of a world of pain and suffering. We use it because we think we know better than them what they need and should be doing.

At some level, we’d like to think we can control their behaviours, especially when it comes to drug use and that idea is exactly what gets us into trouble. The old idea of being the “parent” sets up a trap for us and the loved one who is using drugs. Even in families of young people under the age of nineteen, it’s likely setting up more damage and result in less truth between them and us, especially if we try and confront, intimidate, cajole, coerce, them from their substance use path. What is the hardest is recognizing that they have self-determination decisions we can’t control.

Most of us don’t think we’re controlling. However, that’s often exactly what ends up happening when people in our families don’t do what we expect or they behave in ways that challenge our own beliefs. Spouses children, grown children, and extended family members end up disconnecting from us because of guilt and remorse. Both on our part and theirs.

Anything that destroys connection with them works against shielding them from overdose and possibly death. So give up displaying anger or being passive-aggressive. Don’t try and manipulate them or control them. If you must, go into your bedroom and punch some pillows. Although I have found that is completely unsatisfying for me, it may work for you.

On the other hand, anything that connects us to family members with substance illness works to position us to protect them from harm. Empathy, compassion, and understand are on the top of my list. However, that doesn’t mean we condone their substance use or the destructive behaviours that often go along with using substances. You can be crystal clear on this without being mean or unkind.

Someone in your family is most likely using street drugs. The reason I know this is that stats in Canada say that one in five people will actively use substances in their life. You probably don’t know 1/10^th of what they’re up to. This is the current nature of substance illness in our society. Frankly, the prevalence of using street drugs is now so high that most of us should just automatically assume we have people we love who are using on a regular or casual basis.

Even if they were to admit to using street drugs, they almost certainly will not tell you what or how much they take.

A few weeks ago I was lucky enough to have a conversation with our Regional Health Officer. We were discussing the latest BC Coroner's report on Overdose deaths in BC. In that report is data that is strikingly out of alignment with the perception that most of us have about overdoses.

If you’re like me, I believed that the majority of overdose deaths are the result of Fentanyl in Heroin and Opioids. If you’re like me and thought that, you’d be wrong. Oh yes, Fentanyl is the killer for sure, but just not in Opioids. Opioids don’t even represent the majority of overdose deaths. Even though Opioids represent 30% of the overdose deaths, its Cocaine and Meth (with Fentanyl) that are out in front.

It seems counter-intuitive, that a drug seller of stimulant drugs like Cocaine and Meth would put Fentanyl in their product, but they do. So this got me thinking which resulted in me asking our Reginal Health Officer, “Why is there such a high death rate for Meth and Cocaine?” He answered that many people using Cocaine and Meth are drug-naïve. They simply are unaware that these drugs have Fentanyl in them – enough to kill them.

Coupled with the fact that the majority of Meth/Cocaine overdose deaths are men between the ages of 19 and 59 and that most of them happen in single residence homes where they took the drugs by themselves and you have the perfect storm.

So “That Talk” you need to have with the people in your family is about the drug supply they use, the drugs they may try and making sure they know there is enough Fentanyl in ALL street drugs, especially Meth and Cocaine to kill them.

If your family is anything like mine, your family member who is or might be using drugs will “blow-off” your comments. They’ll deny they have ever used or considered using drugs. They think we have no idea what’s going on out on the streets and that we have no idea about street drugs. That’s OK – just keep at the conversation until you’re sure that they get the risks associated with Meth/Cocaine. Our role isn’t to accuse them of using drugs. We’re educating just like when they were little when we told them only to walk across a street after looking both ways. I’ll also provide a link to the BC Coroner’s Report so you can refer to it.

Here are the facts – 80% of overdose deaths are men between 19 and 59. Almost 60% of those deaths happened in their homes. Usually, they took the drug by themselves and didn’t tell anyone in the family they were taking something. Our message needs to be that ALL drugs, including Meth/Cocaine, have enough Fentanyl in it to kill them. Combined, Meth/Cocaine represent 50% of the overdose deaths. NEVER Use alone! Tell someone or use the BC Government LifeGaurd app.

Harm reduction starts in our home when we sit down and have honest forthright conversations that protect those we love. Don’t be drug-naïve!

Author: Ron Merk
Ron is a person with lived experience. He advocates for families living with members suffering from mental health and substance illness.

https://www2.gov.bc.ca/assets/gov/birth-adoption-death-marriage-and-divorce/deaths/coroners-service/statistical/illicit-drug.pdf

Families Helping Families is an initiative of the Port Alberni Community Action Team. We send out “Learning Moment” articles regularly to help folks understand substance illness. Knowledge is vital in understanding the illness of our family members. You may copy, distribute or share our articles as long as you retain the attribution. You can be added directly to our distribution list by dropping us a note to - albernihelp@gmail.com