Destruction Of The Rest Of The Family – A Personal Story

 

Written by and for people with Lived Experience

Today’s Learning Moment – 10 19 20 Issue:

Preface: The thing left unsaid in most families is the destruction that flows out across the entire household and family friends as a result of someone struggling with substance illness. The reality is that every person is impacted. Each of us will respond differently to the tragedy. Our response is driven by the level of ruination and blame we perceive in those we love. Almost always these responses are in direct opposition to the responses of others close to us. Today we share the courageous personal story of a mother, desperate to stay connected to her substance ill son and the fall out within her family. The power of her story is the message that all of us are broken by substance illness. We rarely hear what really occurs insides of families and that the devastation wrought between relationships in families is more common than we think.

Destruction Of The Rest Of The Family – A Personal Story:

Shame is one of the strongest feelings that many family members of an addicted person experience. Other feelings are all mixed up in our hearts too like anger, perhaps fear, grief and confusion, but the most overwhelming feeling is often embarrassment and shame. Certainly, our own personal feelings and how our communities view substance illness plays a large part in this. My story shows how destructive stigma around substance illness can be.

Often, when conflicting feelings surge through family members and friends, they want to find a reason for what has happened and a scapegoat to exonerate any feelings of guilt they might harbour. If the addicted person isn’t around so they can vent their anger directly on them, the only logical target remaining is the people still trying to assist and care for him or her.

In our family, I am that target. Naturally, any anger directed at me is rationalized by the statement they are concerned about me and how my loved one’s actions will affect me. I do appreciate their concern but the resulting behaviours are inexcusable.

Some of that has been justified as I was badly shaken by watching my once bright, strong, loving son deteriorate into a stranger. It was also jeopardized by actions that affected me financially and emotionally until I began to question my mental health as well.

Fortunately, I drew on some inner reserve and found a great counsellor to help me.  I will forever be grateful for his guidance.

As I became stronger, I became more aware of what was happening around me.

My daughter, a successful woman, immediately took over. While I appreciated her help in business matters, she tried to take control of all parts of my life.  She would insist that I HAD to send my son to a particular work camp. Her reason was that a man she knew and leaned on, had gone there and that it worked for him. That was where my son HAD to go too!

She came to visit and decided to start throwing away his belongings, and finding the job overwhelming, enlisted the help of her friend’s wife. They were on a mission to throw everything out, somehow under the illusion that eliminating his presence would eliminate him from my heart.

I protested and was told to let the two of them work as they knew what to do and what I needed better than me. I even ended up having to pay the friend’s wages, her transportation cost and the cost of a moving van they hired to haul things away. His bed went. My barbeque went as she found drug paraphernalia in it. Even though I protested vigorously because it was one of the last gifts to me from my deceased spouse, it still went. I finally told them to leave and became isolated for months. During those months she also called friends, family members and my neighbour to try and garner support for her position.

Family in town shied away from me, though many of them had their own challenges for years with alcohol or drugs or had children doing similar things.

Two friends didn’t abandon me but one just didn’t want to hear about the problem. He couldn’t understand why I still cared for my loved one. I never stopped loving my son but not his behaviours or his criminal acts. In the end, I had him charged, which was one of the most painful things I’ve ever had to do. The other friend cares but is nervous about being in my home.

I still had a sister through all of this journey until her last visit. Her husband, a recovering addict, was healed by Jesus and in his mind my son was useless and a loser if he didn’t follow that path to salvation. He got belligerent with my son, a big row ensued and my sister and her husband left my home. My sister makes disparaging remarks frequently about homosexuals and put so much pressure on her youngest that he committed suicide. My son is gay too and I have repeatedly told her I do not want to hear her beliefs.

I do not have all the answers about addiction but I am open-minded. None of my family is. They have their opinions and close their ears to any factual information that might contradict them.

So, I feel like an outcast. I absolutely will not stop loving any of my children even when I often abhor their words and actions.

Lastly, I am a strong, responsible, caring, well-educated adult. None of them is going to tell me what I must do. I let them lead their lives and feel I have earned the right to live mine. That includes loving, supporting and trying to stay connected with my son who still struggles with substance illness.

Author: Katy James

Families Helping Families is an initiative of the Port Alberni Community Action Team. We send out “Learning Moment” articles regularly to help folks understand substance illness. Knowledge is vital in understanding the illness of our family members. You may copy, distribute or share our articles as long as you retain the attribution. You can be added directly to our distribution list by dropping us a note to - albernihelp@gmail.com